When to leave an Unhealthy Church

Welcome to the Finding Freedom series on Divide The Word! Much of this blog and ministry is dedicated to supporting individuals who want to leave unhealthy religious environments.

Because of that, we receive frequent requests about how and when to leave an unhealthy church. What kind of church to attend after leaving? Should you talk with the Pastor and announce your departure? What IS an unhealthy church? To continue this series we will explore when it is right to leave an unhealthy church and how to do so.

If you have not read previous posts, I suggest starting with the What Is An Unhealthy Church article.

When is it right to leave?

If your church exhibits the top 5 signs of an unhealthy church, the time to leave is now. However, haste is never good, and neither is church hopping. Ensuring you exit for the right reasons and in the right manner is also critical to your successful exit.

Finding that the church you attend preaches another Gospel other than what the Bible teaches, you must question the damage of staying. The environments in which we place ourselves and our loved ones may have lasting impacts. In addition to false teachings, spiritual abuse, and manipulation may also create traumatic and damaging experiences.

However, many unhealthy churches use social isolation as a means to control their congregants. For many, their entire social circle is within the confines of the church/organization. For some, their employment and incomes are tied to the organization. Family and friends circles are held within the organization, making breaking away difficult and potentially traumatic. And, if this is true for adults, it is moreso for adolescents and teens.

Carefully consider how leaving will impact your family. If your children are old enough to understand your reasonings, walk through the process with them. Ask for their input. Ask what leaving means to them. Explain your reasons and see if they come to the same conclusions. Tearing their world apart should be considered carefully, even if for the right reasons.

The bottom line is this: If your social circle is completely isolated to a church, or you are afraid of losing friends, and family over leaving, you are more than likely in a cultic, or at the very least, a high-control system. That means leaving is crucial for your well-being, theologically, emotionally, and psychologically.

How To Leave an Unhealthy Church?

Once you conclude that you are leaving, the next question is how? Do I call, text, or write the pastor a letter? Do I feel obligated to tell my friends and people in the congregation that I am leaving, and why?

Many people feel the need to explain themselves. Others, perhaps angry or upset about certain events or situations want to vent. Others feel betrayed and may feel obligated to expose certain things that may endanger others. For instance, if you know a sexual predator is in a position of authority in the church, alerting other families whose children may be at risk would be considered ethical. (Just be sure what you share is true and accurate and that you are not trying to damage someone else in anger!)

For others, slipping away quietly may be the best option. What is true for most people is an internal need to ensure friends and family that you have not lost your faith or haven’t stopped believing in God.

Here are some options you may consider:

• Call or speak to your pastor in person – let them know you have respected their leadership, but you have concluded that leaving is the best option for you and/or your family. Set boundaries, if you do not wish to debate, or negotiate, say so. Unhealthy leaders will try to scare you, tell you what a horrific mistake you are making, and even try to turn your friends and family against you.
• Tell your closest friends and family – Kindly explain your reasons and understand their natural fear and concern about your leaving. Many high control systems believe that attending their building is the only way you could be saved, so it is natural that they will have some anxiety associated with your departure.
• Speak to your children’s friends’ parents – Talking to your children’s friends’ parents may be critical in helping your children work through the exit with grace. In high-control systems, it is very common to disconnect or disfellowship people who ‘leave’.
• Simply exit, quietly, to live your own life and future.

What To Do After Leaving an Unhealthy Church

For many, exiting an unhealthy church is like stepping through the grieving process. (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance) Most who have been through this know the high cost their choice will have. Losing your friends, being cut off or ostracized from family, threats, fear tactics, and much more are the landmines you’ll face. You are losing many loved ones in many real ways.

Additionally, trust may be hard to restore. If they believe they have been deceived, lied to, or manipulated, trusting another person in that leadership role (typically the pastor) will be difficult. And, unfortunately, as Christ told the hypocrites would be the result of their demands (legalism), many depart from faith altogether. (Matthew 23:13)

Furthermore, the Western Church has wrongly glorified simple attendance over action and understanding. (Hosea 4:6) In other words, simply being present in a church service constitutes being Christian, rather than acting out Christian faith. This leads many to feel the nagging pressure to be in a church. This may seem to be in direct conflict with the trust issue. So what should you do when leaving an unhealthy church to balance out all of these needs?

Take Time to Re-Focus

What each individual can do is study to show themselves approved by God. (2 Timothy 2:15) Take the time to pray, and meditate on the Word of God. Relearn who God is, and what He wants from us, without the lens and bias of a particular denomination. What does the Word say about a topic? For instance, when I left the Holiness Movement, I studied many topics at length to understand them, and to learn whether or not what I had been taught was true.

Connect with Other Believers

If maintaining your faith is important, and I believe it should be, healthily connecting with other believers is worthwhile. This does not have to be in a church setting, and for the most part, I caution people leaving unhealthy churches to not attend another church for at least a 30-60-day period. (Depending on the kind of church you left, 6-12 months may be recommended.) In unhealthy churches, asking questions and having doubts are highly discouraged. In healthy circles, having questions and doubts is part of growing. Having that support during this time is critical.

Join Online Groups of Faith

Many feel extremely isolated, and alone when leaving an unhealthy church. Joining online social communities allows you to connect, and discuss topics of interest, but disengage when you need to. You can test the waters without committing. Some topics can be very emotionally charged, such as speaking in tongues, prophecy, or even the Godhead (Unitarianism, Trinitarianism, Modalism, Oneness, etc.) Having a place to discuss these topics when you are ready, and not have to when you aren’t can be healing, and freeing. Joining groups with policies in place to protect members’ privacy is very important!

Return to Church

When ready, through the process of healing, look for a healthy church to join! This is the final point for a reason, as choosing a healthy church is hard for those who have come from unhealthy churches. This is no different from personal relationships – when existing in unhealthy relationships, it is hard to know what a healthy relationship looks like.

This is why taking the time to refocus your beliefs, connecting with other believers, and joining social faith groups are critical as your first steps. Through that process, you’ll learn what a healthy church looks like, where you land on certain theological topics, such as giving (some churches call these Tithes), baptism, the gifts of the spirit, and much more. Even having healthy boundaries is rarely thought of in this context, but it should be part of the process.

What does a Healthy Church look like?

To help you during this process, here is a list of healthy characteristics to look for in a church you are considering joining. This list is not exhaustive, but a starter for what healthy churches should resemble.

Teaches the Word, not Opinion

Review the teaching style of the church leadership. A healthy pastor does not need to enforce his will or his opinions on the church. The Word is sufficient. Healthy pastors will exposit scripture rather than tell stories. If the sermon consists of a passage and only storytelling, it is not a healthy church but is underfed and malnourished.

Promotes Freedom and Questioning

A healthy church, and more importantly, a healthy pastor, gives the flock the grace to question and doubt without judgment. They provide the freedom to make individual choices and offer advice and support rather than demand obedience and control. Unhealthy churches will have a list of man-made regulations and rules to follow with a list of punishes for disobedience.

Is an Open Book (especially financially)

Healthy churches have a board whose members aid in running the church, and who freely expose information about that church. This is especially important and true regarding church finances. Unhealthy churches are secretive and believe few people have the right to know, and condemn those who ask for this information. (especially finances!)

Takes a Stand in the Word

While freedom and questioning are healthy, a healthy church also takes a clear stand on important theological positions. It is an absolute requirement that these stances are grounded in the Word, not opinion or personal convictions. Unhealthy churches have a lot of demands, standards, and requirements, that are rarely or ever explicit commands of Scripture. (Uncut hair, tithing, dress codes, just to name a few)

Exemplifies Christ-Like Works

Poor leadership will teach performance and works-based salvation while healthy leadership lives out the works of Christ. (1 Cor 11:1) They are cloistered while healthy churches are out and about their Father’s business. Part of those works includes feeding the hungry, clothing the cold, and visiting the needy in times of distress. (James 1:27) Healthy churches look at their communities with the question, ‘What can we do for them?’ while unhealthy churches separate from their communities.

Conclusion – Leaving an Unhealthy Church

Regardless of how you leave an unhealthy church, you will be labeled. Bitter, angry, and offended are just a few of the most common things you’ll hear. Steel yourself against this. Perhaps you are angry about what you’ve seen done in the name of God. Maybe you did get offended at the misuse and abuse of the Word in an unhealthy church. Moreover, you could be bitter about having the joys of life, a healthy faith, and even family and friends robbed from you by false leaders.

In Scripture, the condemnation was on the one to cause such offenses. (Matthew 18:6-7) Unhealthy churches and leaders will condemn the hurt, rather than inspecting the causes of such hurt.

When you do leave, take peace knowing that God knows the thoughts and intents of our hearts. (Hebrews 4:12) He is no stranger to our weaknesses. (Hebrews 4:15) And He will not leave us as orphans but come to comfort us. (John 14:18)

Through that peace, take the time to refocus your beliefs, connect with other believers, join groups of faith, and when you are ready, rejoin a healthy church that encourages your spiritual growth and allows for doubt and question.